To remove programs from your computer that are no longer wanted, or you did not want in the first place, you have to start by opening the control panel on your computer. You can access the Control Panel by clicking the start menu. Next you would open the programs and features in the control panel folder. You would then search for what program that you did not want on your computer anymore, and then you would click the uninstall button that will usually appear at the top of the screen. After that follow the prompts and the program should be uninstalled form your new computer
read.
Its been a while since I have written a post, and its because I was debating if I was going to continue to write this blog as a lot of people have tried talking me out of it. I understand stuff I say people may not agree with, I understand peoples feelings may get hurt, I understand everyone’s concern with me writing this blog. As many people who have tried talking me out of this blog though, 3x more then that have encouraged me to continue to write it. It is a good way to express my feelings, and a awesome way for people to not have to listen, or read if they choose not too.
So, I have decided to continue with my blog, continuing may upset some people, may even ruin friendships, but I want to remind people, this is MY side of my life, its how I feel, how I felt, and the world I see around me. I understand I may seem negative all the time, but I always try and end on a positive note, and also I feel like I need to get most of the bad out of my system before I can start talking good about people. Everyone that I have talked about in my blog, at one time or another meant the world to me, and just because the relationship has faded, and most of them, completely demolished, I, personally, HAVE to write about my emotions before I can move forward to the future, completely. Everyone person, from my biological mom to Jessie’s dad, has hurt me equally, and every situation I have to talk about. Some situations more then others, obvious with my biological mom, there isn’t much to say since she hasn’t been in my life since I was two, and with Jessie’s dad there is more to say because he still is and has to be a part of my life.
So again, thank you for the continued support, and I am sorry if me continuing this blog upsets anyone, its not my intention, but for me, I deeply feel that it is the right thing to do.
*** THIS BLOG IS MY SIDE OF THE STORY, MY LIFE THREW MY EYES, please remember that when you are reading && maybe it will help you understand why I am choosing to continue to write it. The next blog will be posted shortly!
officially have made the decision to go back to arizona.
As I sit here tonight, I think of everything I didn’t want my life to be. I never wanted to have my parents divorce, I never wanted my mom to become an alcoholic, I never wanted to drop out of high school, I never wanted to be a teen mom, I never wanted to be a single teen mom, I never wanted to be cheated on, I just wanted to be in love and happy.
I think about high school & how different it could have been all the time. I think about how my life could have been different if I would have just went. I know I can never go back, but what is the worst is now when I try and make the right decisions in life, people not letting me because of past mistakes.
For everyone that reads this & doesn’t know, my life has been harder in these last 5 months then they have been in years. In November, I moved to California with Steven & Jessie, without telling one person, it was the biggest mistake ever, while down there, it was fine besides the fact we had no job & we were out of money, oh and Steven was cheating. In December, I went to Arizona, and Steven & Jessie went back to Oregon, I got a job in Arizona and the plan at that time was for all of us to move down there because he said he had changed again. I came home for a week and stuff seemed to be fine, then I went back January 1st. For a week stuff was fine, then it broke out worse then ever. Steven & I fought everyday, literally. I can’t even begin to explain everything we fought about. I knew something was wrong, we had broken up & he has my daughter 1500+ miles away. One day I woke up and realized I was done, I never wanted to work it out with him again, I didn’t love him, I didn’t want him in my life unless it had to directly do with Jessie, I was done with his games, his lies, and his cheating. I had finally woken up & realized the night mare I had gotten myself into. I requested the time off of work as soon as I could and came home to get my daughter. We had agreed on a plan, but as soon as I got back to Oregon, he served me with papers because he didn’t want to pay his child support every month. He wants to have Jessie full time because of money. He has flat out told me that. I have now been home for 2 months & I hate it here. There are few people here that mean anything to me, and thats it. Every day I struggle living here, everyday I think how my life could have been in Arizona if I would have just took Jessie with me the first time, if I would have listened to everyone else. Everyday I hate him more and more for ruining my life.
I love my life in Arizona. I love having a job not in daycare, I love having a steady paycheck, I love being productive in my life. For the last 2 months, I have gone back & forth about going back to Arizona. I have to weigh out the option of making myself happy & doing what makes me happy to make me a better mom, or being a full time mommy in a place I can’t ever be happy in. I have 100% decided, I am going to go back there, I am going to have a life in another state, and the situation with Jessie will unfold in court. I have tried working it out with her dad so we could have her equally while I am there, but his response always is that he doesn’t want to pay for anything, which is fine, I don’t want his money, nor his time, I want my daughter.
Just to make a few more things clear, I never “left” my child behind when I went to Arizona, Steven & his family knew exactly what I was doing there, and at that point in time that was all that mattered. I called her everyday, I never left with the intentions of not coming back, I left with the intentions of moving my family away so it would be a fresh start.
Although the family I thought I was going to move to Arizona is not going to go with me, the family I have always wanted will. Myself, Jessie & Anthony will go to Arizona and us as a family will have a clean, fresh start far far away from here, & I cannot wait for that day.
anger.
Lately, I’ve been very emotional, and angry. I’m not really sure why. I’m not sure if its because I went & saw my dad and he acted like nothing was wrong, or because Jessie’s dad think its my fault she’s so sick. I think it has a little to do with everything.
Emotions are a weird topic for me. Threw the years, I have learned to deal with all of my emotions completely different. Anger has been the emotion I have learned to deal with for the better though. Growing up, after my sister moved out when I was 13, my mom & I fought CONSTANTLY. I could yell, throw stuff at her, or at the walls, slam doors, hang up on people, and just mainly scream. When I left my moms house for the first time, I realized the way my family had dealt with anger my whole life, wasn’t the “normal” way people dealt with anger. I figured out people, walk away, calm down, then come together later to talk about it. It took me a while to understand this concept & realize the way my mom & dad dealt with their anger my whole life was not the way I wanted to deal with it, or have my family that I would have one day deal with it. When I moved to Junction City when I was 17, and had my own apartment, well with Bridegette & Steven (her brother), was when I really realized my way of dealing with anger was different the everyone else’s.
I remember, sitting in my room at my apartment, yelling at my mom on the phone, getting off, throwing it against my wall, and thinking, this is no way anyone should deal with their anger, not me, not anyone. When I get with Jessie dad, him & his family dealt with anger differently too, or so I thought he did. The first big fight we got into was because he was out all night with his “friends”, and I was home, pregnant & alone. I was pissed, I ended up making him leave that night, and that is the night when he slept with my best friend, but I remember that night, standing in my door way, yelling at him as he was walking down the steps of my apartment building, then when he drove away, I remember just sitting on the ground of my front porch crying, balling because I was pregnant & I still didn’t know how to deal with my anger. I was about to have a child, and bring her into this world & I have no idea how to control my own emotions. That night was a turning point for me, for a while at least. I learned how to breath when people pissed me off, I learned that it was okay to be mad, I learned that people need space when they are upset. I learned a lot, and for a long time, I practice what I had learned. I practiced it until Jessie was about 4 weeks old.
I remember the first time I saw Jessie dad’s anger problem. Jessie was 4 weeks old, we were in the car going to the lake with, Kirk, Angel, John, Casey, & Faith. Her dad was on the phone, and he looked at me with this look that could kill look, and raised a fist at me, and said “shut the fuck up”. It scared me, but I blew it off, but stuff only got worse, he punched the dash in my car on my first Mothers day, told me I was a whore on my birthday, punched his window out of his truck on the side of the road & finally, the night in September, when he finally laid his hands on me, shoving me against a car, choking me out and he was completely drunk. If that wouldn’t have been outside of my own home, I’m not sure how bad it would have gotten.
As I am now in a new, good & healthy relationships, I see my horrible anger problems coming out again. They didn’t start because of the relationship I am in now, but when I was in AZ with my mom. I shared a room with her for 5 days, and in those 5 days, all the anger problems I thought I had over came, came rushing back into my life. I find myself cussing at people, yelling at them, wanting to throw my phone when I am pissed off. I find myself wanting to do a lot more bad stuff when I am angry, but I still have it some what under control where I stop and think before I do something, not always when I say something.
I need to go back to the place, where I walk away, breath, think rationally about the situation, and talk about the problem with the person it involves. I am scared the way I deal with angry will ruin the best thing I have going for me, I am scared I am going to say something, or do something out of spite that I will not be able to be forgiven for. It scares me.
I am in love for the first time in years,
and I am scared because of past issues,
I am going to lose it,
I hope & pray that I can get the way
I deal with anger under control before it ruins
the best thing I have.
Family.
Family has always been a weird topic to me. My “real” family, my “fake” family, my blood family, or people who are just there. In every one of those categories, there are people I consider to be my family.
A long time ago, I learned that Angie wasn’t my “real” mom. I learned that there was no blood between me, my brother, & my sister. None between my grandma, my uncle, my grandpa, none of them. I remember sitting on Angie’s bed, and her explaining it to me, I understood it completely, and at the moment, it didn’t matter to me. She was my mom, Kim was my sister, Mike was my brother & the rest of the family was my family. I remember feeling just like the family.
Then when Kim turned 18 & moved away it all changed. Angie was no longer my mom, she was my friend. Someone there to let me skip school, someone to buy me whatever I wanted, someone who let my friends party at my house. My friends thought she was awesome, I thought she was evil. All we did was fight. I was never good enough, if I wanted to see my dad, I was betraying her, & it was always about money. I hated living with her, I was never good enough for her.
When I was 13, I moved into my sisters for the first time, an hour away from my mom’s. My mom never even called, never even cared, never tried to look for me. It was like I just feel of the face of the earth and she didn’t even notice. She was probably to busy drinking & partying to notice I was even missing.
I lived with my sister for about 6 months, then I tried moving back into my mom’s again. Then I was 14, I moved back into my sisters again. This time she lived in Eugene, and my mom knew. I didn’t hide it this time & I wasn’t afraid to tell her to fuck off & that I was going to live somewhere else. I lived with my sister for a long time this time. All threw 8th grade & most of that summer.
That summer, I tried again moving into my mom’s. It didn’t work again. Right before my 15th birthday, I got in a fight with my mom, she told me to move out and she didn’t care if I was there or not. I left, then she changed her mind. The family I was staying with couldn’t handle her threatening calls & the harassment. They took me home. One of my friends came & picked me up out of my drive way & I left. For 2 months, I didn’t talk to one person in my family. Not my mom, sister, brother, dad, no one. I didn’t want anything to do with them. Then one day, I called my sister, I needed somewhere to go, and at this time she was living in Portland. She came and got me during Christmas break & I moved to Portland with her.
I lived with my sister for 7 months before my mom even talked to me, before she even tried. I didn’t mind not having her around because my sister was the better mother for me at that time. She did everything she possible could for me, she spent every dollar she needed to, she made sure I had everything I needed to survive. She punished me. She made sure I went to school. She did everything that a mom was supposed to do.
Summer after my freshmen year, I tried moving back into my mom’s again. It was the same. That year I had reconnected with some very important people in my life. Kirk & Angel. I had dated there son in middle school & at that time, they were awesome. That summer, I needed somewhere to go, and not my sisters. They took me in. I had rules, I had a job, they were amazing.
A few more times I tried moving in with my mom again, and it always turned out that same, her drinking too much, letting me get away with EVERYTHING, me dropping out of school, her being a friend instead of a parent. I needed parents.
I remember that last time living with my mom. It was enjoyable, for a while. Until one night, it got worse then ever. I moved out that night, and never wanted to go back. I had to go back with cops to get my stuff for school because she was so greedy she wouldn’t even return that stuff to me. She wanted me to have nothing because she wanted me to need her, I didn’t need her, not then, not ever again.
When I found out I was pregnant, a million things ran threw my head, one of them was I wanted my family to stay together, another one was who I was going to tell. The first person I called was my sister. She knew right when I called her from just the way I was acting. Then I told Kirk & Angel. It never even crossed my mind to tell my mom, or my dad. I told I think everyone else before my mom & dad. They had both found out from other people then me because I didn’t care if they found out from me.
Since I’ve had Jessie, my prospective on family has changed a lot. Its not all about blood because if it were, I would only have one sister who is my family. Its about who always will be there, who will forgive & move on for mistakes, who will encourage me to make the right decisions in my life, who won’t go behind my back & talk shit about how I am a bad mother, They are the people who are always there for me.
My mom & dad have been there less then anyone else for my daughter & me. They blame me, they both do. With my mom, everything is always my fault, always has been & always will be. My dad just dwells on the past. My daughter has major medical problems, from ear problems to a fatal kidney problem. I can’t remember that last time one of them asked about her, and to just make sure she’s okay.
Family is about who is there for me at the end of every day.
Jessie is my world. I don’t understand how people can walk away from there children. My real mom walked away from me a very long time ago, & I will never really understand why, my mom has chosen drinking & partying over being a grandma to a wonderful little girl, my dad has chosen drinking, drugs, and stealing over his grand daughter & daughter. It breaks my heart everyday that my daughter will never have a relationship with those 3 people, but then I remember that people who are there. Jessie has grand parents on my side, Kirk & Angel. They have been the best parents & the best grand parents I could ever ask for. I would die without them.
Trust.
Trust is something that is important to me. I have trust issues. Everyday they get better, & I believe people more & more again. All of my life people have lied to me. From my parents lying to me about my last name for 18 years to my babies father sleeping with my best friend.
Two & a half years ago I met the biggest liar I know. I now have a child with him, and will have to deal with his lies for the next 17+ years of my life. When I met him I had no idea he was a liar like he was. None. He lied to me about everything, from where he was to if he was really at work, but the lying wasn’t the worst. The cheating was. 33 girls in 17 months. Every time I believed him when he told me it was going to be different, that he was going to want his family this time, that I was good enough. A lot of people ask me why I always went back & its because I am a true believer in people can change. I have completely changed my life in the last 4 years, and even more in the last 2, & people still judge me on my past, & it kills me because I am not that person anymore.
My babies father isn’t the only person who has done this. My dad lies to me every time we talk. I remember growing up, always wanting my relationship with him, and to this day, I do. I make plans with him, but he doesn’t show up, he always makes excuses & I know its only because he doesn’t want to tell his “baby girl” that he was up to late doing drugs & drinking that he couldn’t get up the next day to come meet me & his grand daughter. He couldn’t tell me that my last name wasn’t his, until I found out on my own. He couldn’t tell me to not stay out all night in high school because he felt guilty for all the lies. Everyday my heart breaks that my dad will never be in my life or my grand daughters life because he choose drugs & drinking over me. It kills me.
These two people have hurt me from their lies more then anyone in my life. One of them I could careless about & the other one I would give the world up to have a relationship with, but reality is, the one I don’t care about is the one that will stick around because he doesn’t have a choice & the other one will never come around because our relationship is too far gone.
I always trust people, yes its hard, yes I have doubts, but at the end of the day, I always end up trusting them.
I now have a wonderful boyfriend, Anthony. A lot of people ask me how I can trust him since everything Steven has done to me, and I never know what to say. I don’t know why I trust people, but what I do know is if I dwell on the past, my future will only be worse.
Anthony is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. I love him, with my whole heart. Do I get scared? Yes. Do I ask him a million times a day if he really loves me? Yes. Do I wonder who is texting while he is sitting on the other couch? Yes. Do I wonder if his parents are lying to me like Stevens parents did? Yes. Do I worry he is lying to me when I ask him anything? No, because I trust him. I believe him when he says he is at his parents, I believe him when he says he will be there forever, I just have to be reminded sometimes.
Trust is a scary thing, & trusting people over & over is even scarier, but my life without trust wouldn’t have led me to best thing that has happened to me in a long time, Anthony.
The day my life changed forever.
^This blog has already been posted on another website, but since this is going to be my frequent blogging account, I have decided to post it on here. Anything that is said was written on December 29th, 2010 & all though my feelings have probably changed about somethings, I want to leave it exactly like it was originally written.
It was 2 weeks before Thanksgiving, and I was at work. People kept telling me that they thought I was pregnant, and I started to believe them. Steven got off work that day, and went and got a pregnancy test. I was SO scared to take it, I was still at work, and my roommate was pregnant, and was having a horrible pregnancy, and I didn’t want that at all. When Steven showed up, he had flowers and a test. I made him go to my apartment and put the flowers in water while I took the test. Before he got back, it said “pregnant”. At first I was in shock, and about 10 minutes later, I started balling. I cried for a long time, I was still crying when I got back to my apartment. I told my roommate, and she started crying too. I had told everyone when I found out, because I knew we would keep the baby. There was only 2 more people we had to tell, his parents. I had only meet his parents a few times, and I was scared that they wouldn’t be happy when they found out since Steven and I were only together a short time when we found out we were having a baby together, but on Beth’s birthday, we told them at Papa’s on Coburg, I didn’t want to be there at all. It didn’t go great but it didn’t go horrible either, but little did they know, I had came over for dinner at their house for the first time, the night we found out, yeah that wasn’t fun. All I wanted to was cry.
After everyone got used to the idea, it was amazing. I was never sick during my pregnancy, and I only gained 8 pounds.
I was due July 21, 2010, and that day came and almost went, that night, around 1 a.m. I woke Steven up and asked him if I felt the baby move at all that day, since my memory was shot. He kind of just mumbled because he wasn’t fully awake, so I decided to call my doctor. They told me to come in if I hadn’t felt her move because I was already past my due date by an hour. By the time I got Steven out of bed, and got myself ready, and drove to Riverbend, it was 10 past 2. (btw I drove myself to the hospital, Steven was too tired) They put me in a check up room, put me on a monitor, and told me the baby was moving just fine. The doctor came in and checked me and I was at 6cm and 75%, the doctor left, and the nurse came back in and told me to get dressed because she thought he was just going to send me home since I had an appointment at 10:30 in the morning. I was dressed with all of my paperwork ready to go home, and he came back in and said I wasn’t going home.
By this time it was almost 4, I was so tired because I had no sleep, and now they were telling me I was not going home to sleep in my own bed. I was very mad, but apparently I was having contractions every 3-5 minutes, but I wasn’t feeling a thing, and that’s why they kept me, but the doctor never told me that. After they put me in the room, Steven had to go home and get all of our stuff and Crissy since I had told her we were just running to get some food. hahaha. While Steven was gone, they asked me a million questions, and they started me on pationcin. (sp) 2 drops every hour, they wanted to see if I would start to feel the contractions or if my water would break.
When he got back, we called a couple of people, Beth, Steven, and Angel. I couldn’t sleep if my life depended on it, and it didn’t help that I was getting mad because I couldn’t feel the contractions, so in my mind, I thought it was pointless for me to have to be there in there uncomfortable beds, when I wanted to be home on my memory foam!
The doctor came back in around 6:15, and at this time I was having contractions every 2-3 minutes, and was 7cm and 100%, but I still wasn’t feeling a thing. He said they would break my water at 7. All of a sudden it was 7, and they broke my water, and while they were still draining me, I started feeling the worst pain of my life. I wanted to just die. By this time, there were a few different people there, Steven’s brother had showed up, Crissy was now there, my grandma, and Laura. I got out of bed, and went into the hot bathtub, I sat in there for a couple hours, although it only felt like 10 minutes, and when I got out, I was in so much pain, I wanted something for it, the nurse told me she’d be right back with something, well she came back with nothing. That wasn’t very good, she should have just stayed away till after I had the baby. After I got out of the tub, I was in so much pain, I just wanted it over. All of a sudden I felt like I had to go to the bathroom, so I hobbled my way in there, but instead I threw up. When I got back into bed, the doctor wanted to check me, and then he said those words, “Its time to start pushing”
Steven was sitting behind me with my had his his lap, and everyone wanted him to move, but he wasn’t going anywhere, and I won that fight. After about 30 minutes of pushing, I was in so much pain, and it was my tailbone, nothing else. (I had injured my tailbone about a month before I was pregnant, but didn’t realize till I was pregnant, and in labor it was even worse.) The doctor wanted me to “bear down” and I couldn’t on my own because I was in so much pain. Luckily Steven was behind me, so he pushed me up, he was scared at first, but then he got over that because he knew he had too! Finally her head came out, but the her shoulder was stuck behind my pelvic bone, and I was so worn out from no sleep, and the pain of my tailbone that I felt like I couldn’t push anymore. Everyone kept telling me I had too, but I didn’t want too, or did I feel like I could. After 3 minutes of her head being out, and the rest of her body not, they finally pulled her out. I was so weak after wards, I barely could hold her, but at 11:35 a.m. on July 22, 2010, Our little angel was born at 7 pounds 5 ounces, and 19 inches long.
My life threw my eyes. 